Time Away

Hard to imagine that it has been nearly three months since I took time to post a new blog entry. A quick comment today sparked me to come back for a while, so I appreciate your sincere interest in the things I somehow put words to. I am still feeling like a worn out lantern, as my previous post explained; however, careful preservation over the next several months should allow new energies and strengths to find a way back to my personal vessel. I honestly admit that I am actually scared with the coming health interventions and protections.........I thought I had enough of those kind of things performed on me already. Yet, I seem to need to rid myself of unnecessary parts that will hopefully bring more energy and spring to a gal rapidly approaching an old bitty. Finally, the decisions have been made that such surgery has become a necessity in the now instead of somewhere down the road. I sometimes like long roads, but hopefully, prayerfully, this sojourn will grace us with calm and healing moments. My greatest concerns are keeping up with Clay's daily needs and fear of going through another strenuous, lengthy round of adhesion conflict. If I could just be assured it will not be as tough as my surgery in October last year..........I, yie, yie........no fun at all. Clay will become 23 on May 19..........a young, brilliant and handsome adult man who was never to live out his first breaths. How he blesses all of us whom he pours his love and mischief upon so eagerly. How his face lights the dark in our days and nights when life gets muddled and tough and non cooperative of late. He is the glue that keeps our sanity.......and believe me, God gave him a very tough assignment in keeping us sane.........not always 100%, but often close enough to pass. This mother's love of this child is immeasurable and he returns it to me so exuberantly it wells tears of pure joy and love spilling down my face. Sometimes I wonder which of us is truly the strongest of the two............I think it is in reality a complete toss up. Sometimes it is heads up for mom and the next day it will be that for Clay and vice verse when our heads fall down time to time. The incredible potential in Clay keeps us going as a family unit. We strive and we advocate and educate to any one we can straddle in of his incredible life journey right here in our very midst of our community. The grandest thing is when Clay has increasing opportunity to be out and about with peers, he really starts to shine and show others who he really is on the inside..........a brilliant, warped, comedic, all loving disciple of Christ. The face of Clay shines as the face of Jesus..........brilliant, loving and uncondionally compassionate towards others. How did I get so lucky? Brandon celebrated his 26 birthday on March 7. He was born in Tulsa Oklahoma, nine and a half months after I lost his brother Taylor prematurely on May 21, 81 at about 26 weeks. ...a 2 pound 14 inch perfect adorable baby boy sleeping. Another tiny baby boy, Brandon was 5lbs and 15 oz and was 18? inches tall...........NICU for four weeks, then came home at five pounds to our new home and we becan to learn how to be a family of three. Oh the bliss of having Brandon home and growing and happy and oh so loving and gregarious, yes, even then! Our cat named Megan was our only nursery monitor at the time and she did a very great and dedicated service to Brandon by always letting us know, YOU need to go check on the boy. She would run from his room to us, to his room to us, over and over again...........Finally we got our acts together and she decided we were becoming worthy of her precious sweet smelling, squirming little bundle of something......a boy? Brandon was the perfect baby and toddler...........friendly and almost always demanded acknowledgement from people whoever they may have been, at least just take a second and acknowledge him in some manner.........much successful with his tactics.........he was just so incredibly cute. Time took us to Boulder Co a couple of years later. Clay was conceived late summer to early fall and was a good pregnancy compared to the prior two. Boulder was absolutely beautiful background to our home and it was peaceful serenity. At 36 weeks, I began to go into tremendous pain, so on that Sunday afternoon we arrived at the hospital worried and scared. He was a big baby, but he had gotten much too still..........never was he that still inside of me. Upon parking our car, he stirred as if everything was okay but we went on to labor and delivery for reassurance. Physical exam showed that my uterus was teetering on complete rupture, so they rushed me into my third emergency c section within a couple of hours. He was a big baby at 36 weeks...........6 lbs 15 oz and 21 inches long. He was absolutely beautiful and looked so healthy. But in a moments turn, he began to distress with his breathing and was rushed to the intensive care room at Boulder Community Hospital. He had a torn lung after breathing his first couple of breaths and he was spiraling downward horribly. A group of doctors and nurses from Denver Childrens Hospital were at the community hospital evaluating a three day old little girl who had been deemed non viable.......she was still alive three days later when Clay was born. Eventually both Anna and Clay were transported with much trepidation to Denver and they lived in the NICU together for three to four months. Anna weighed just a pound of butter plus a pat on top..............she was teenie, and she was strong willed and beautiful. So much time has been placed away in our memories, sometimes placed in an overwhelming returning nightmare that puts you right back in the very midst of such sorrow and fear. We have come such a long, narrow road together. During my time away from posting, I have been fighting tooth and nail for some improvements for Clay's continued life at home with mom and dad. Equipment needs cycle around in fairly predictable time tables and that is much of what has occurred of late. He has been growing wonderfully and remains quite healthy which is a tremendous blessing to all of us. We have been tied up with battles for lack of other expression, with agencies who are dedicated to helping our individuals be in our homes and our communities. The kick in the you know where is.............legalities have overtaken common sense approaches, compassion and empathy provisions for such families as our own. How I wish my family could just go and do and procure any and all things that would make Clay's life the best it could possibly be.......in all ways. But, the reality is we have no adequate resources on our own to assure the dreams and visions we have for Clay and friends just like him. So deserving, so contributing, so loving........these precious disciples are God's greatest teachers. We need to find ways for them to teach the things they hold true in faith and perseverance of their shattered physical characters. Seems like my surgeries will be rapidly approaching scheduling around mid June. Will just have to get there day by day and try really hard to keep my composure, somehow some composure, please? I keep trying to tell myself that once it is all gone and done, that I may just transform into the pretty little, light on her wings butterfly I've always dreamed of being. I don't know where things are leading, but my life is an open book to many I have not yet met, who still ask me to write something. So here is something, rattled but honest with my battled physical self wanting to bust free to be borderline deliriously happy in all things. High Calling.........But I know if I trust then I will eventually experience the dainty, sparkling, glittering flight of a butterfly skipping from one beautiful flower to the next beautiful flower...........just visiting........just taking it all in............forever saved in my heart's deepest chamber of best joys. Much love and hugs to you all...............I treasure you.