Question of Ego.........

Life is so very complex. My mind is always playing tricks on me. I sit at this computer screen and attempt to express myself in a manner that can almost be anonymous in nature. I write and hit a send button..........why do I do this, I often ask myself. Why do you think you can write and send to so many names? Sometimes I feel conflicted after sending words out to Electronic Space. Yet I receive positive responses to my rambles and those are the immediate 'rewards' that I search so desperately for. Why is it then that a human mind can make a u turn and be apprehensive about lovingly accepting those responses when in the back of my mind, "Oh, you are getting too proud of yourself" begins to kick in and steals my attempted humility.........How do we know for sure we receive things in the humble manner? Why is it so difficult to hear and then allow ourselves the comprehension that yes, indeed, we matter to others in ways we could never matter to ourselves? Life is indeed very complex.........I hope I can learn to live it more fully.

Going Around and Living Within Circles

Going Around and Living Within Circles

It has been one of those weeks that frequent along that I feel all I do lately is go around and around in circles. If I were a dog I am sure I would just be a twirling furry blob over and over again, trying to catch up with my tail. I plan to get things done, I attempt to get things done, and it always seems to just come right back to the starting point. These are the times my attempted optimism seems to fall well short of my hopeful expectations. Why do we set ourselves up so often? I think sometimes that what I do makes a difference, but not the degree of difference I wish I could make. I set my heart to dreaming in unrealistic manners and then I ponder who am I to think that images and conversations in my mind are intended for fruition? Why is it so hard for a longstanding stay at home mama to feel significant? I want more in my life, but I seem forever stuck in the middle of the same chapter over and over again. I want to feel some reasonable success with something, but it is these kinds of weeks, I do not even know what success, if any, is meant for me. I am in the midst of a pity party I know. Hormones can do that to us. Realities and same old same olds catch up to us. I want to experience some type of satisfaction in myself that assures me of worthy contribution. I want to bring love and joy to others that I find hard to find in myself consistently. I want to feel that I can be more than I have been, but why does that seem so difficult when I stand in one spot, turning around and around in circles, exhausting myself emotionally and physically, and not seeing evidence of differences. There are so many things I wish I could do and solve around me, yet I seem not to do nor solve. I get older day by day and those days come much more rapidly than ever before. When I close my eyes for the last time, will my life summary be just a boring repeat after repeat of running within circles and never finding the open passage leading to excitement, spontaneity, achievement to leave / put into place for others in some small legacy? Will / can I ever make the kind of difference I sincerely desire for the benefit of others along the path, present and future? Will I ever in some way, find means to alleviate financial burdens that always fall upon Fred? This can really make a girl feel insignificant...and heavy as an ugly piece of broken concrete.........my own feelings of inadequacy more than anyone else feeling that way towards me. Will I ever feel like a normal individual fully capable of crossing the marathon line? My marathon seems to keep increasing in duration and truth be told that scares me..........a lot. Then I will dry my eyes, force a normal countenance, and hope that spilling the beans in written form will quiet my overly occupied and critical mind. To attempt to empty the brain so that I can allow myself restorative sleep on occasion. I try to be honest and vulnerable when I attempt to express my hurts, my insecurities, my disappointments, my hopes, my well intentioned follow-ups and scattered writings. More than anything, I want to feel authentic to others. Maybe I will or will not achieve 'societal approvals and whatever societal success' I keep feeling is absent much of the time. But maybe, just maybe, God needs me to be authentic to Him more than to anyone else, and though this too is often very difficult, He is always with us and knows all of us intimately, lovingly, and unconditionally. We cannot hide any of ourselves from God so why do we think we can try pulling off ourselves as frauds? I pray that I do not let him down and that occasionally I just might lift him up.

So those are my late night rambling thoughts.........negative and positive. I really need to own the positive and learn to let go my negatives...........it isn't easy for me, and I am supposing the same struggle pursues for those who try to comprehend willingly my babbling conscious state of expressions. Love and hugs, Annette Wednesday, September 26, 2007