Annette' Recovery

Just a note to ask that you all pray for my speedy recovery. Many of you know I have been struggling with stomach trouble, especially the last couple of months. The last two weeks I had to go to Urgent Care and get two bags of IV fluids for dehydration from vomiting. I had a CT scan the following day and was scheduled for endoscopy yesterday. Last Friday night the pain was very intense and Fred took me to the Lexington ER for an ultrasound. It showed tenderness, swelling, reflex and sludge regarding my gallbladder, but they sent me home after a bag of IV fluids because my blood work appeared too normal. I went Monday afternoon to a GI specialist who told me straight out it was not my gallbladder and that he suspected I had arthritis in my ribs.............well, the pain got so bad again and the vomiting on Wednesday that we returned to Urgent Care where the doctor arranged for me to see a surgeon. I had surgery around 6:30 or so that evening. For it 'not to be my gallbladder' the surgeon said it was one of the worst he had removed.........diseased with a lot of scarring and adhesions and evidence that I had been enduring for a long haul, possibly years on and off. He removed and clipped as much inflammation as he could. He kept me Wednesday and Thursday nights under close watch. So now it is out..........Maybe my gallbladder muffin top will soon disappear as the swelling above my waistline was awful; and after all, I worked really hard to lose and keep off 55 pounds. I am already less distended, but I will admit extremely sore which he said was to be expected after extended surgery and addressing not just the gallbladder but the scarred tissue surrounding it. My digestive system he said might take weeks to return to normal from the gastritis ~ gastroenteritis. I think I have five incisions..........it was done through a laproscope. So if you are wondering where the heck I have been, this is the latest scoop from the gal herself. Hopefully we will continue to feel better and get back to bouncing around as I would rather do.......love and hugs, Annette

Feeling Frustrated

This last week has been one with an extremely irritable tummy. I am fairly certain that I am having gallbladder attacks. Actually, studies show that my gallbladder is enlarged, tender and contains sludge. I am supposed to now make an appointment with my gastroenterologist for further testing. This happened the first week in September as well. I fought it out and suddenly, it all cleared up. This one doesn't seem to want to clear up suddenly. Twice this past week I had to have IV fluids for dehydration. At least the fluids help you feel better, as getting an IV started especially the first trip, was tedious and very painful. Then the medications react faster to make you feel less nauseous and quickly helps relieve the pain. However having to go to such measures is definitely a drag and not at all convenient. So I wait and stay awake listening to thunder roll through my digestive system. It feels even worse than it sounds and I seem now to be completely off balance and I can't get it to calm despite modified, bland diet and over the counter medications. I would much rather be feeling creative with words instead of waiting yet on another diagnostic test to relocate the normal, bouncy Annette who for now seems to be a fictitious character. Feeling frustrated is no fun when it returns with little warning and seems extended in duration and lacks of immediate resolution........................

Treasure Chest

Treasure Chest

Deep inside us all there seems to be,

Something good that waits for all to see.

Between the excitement of a baby's first breath,

and the quiet stillness of one's last with death,

We hold inside each of us a treasure chest.

Do we realize we possess something so very dear?

Can we not notice it in chaos and fear?

Is it more visible to others and not to ourselves?

Hidden from view until deeply one delves?

It is not filled with gold, and silver and wealth.

With the rise and fall of each and every breath,

God has placed within us all a treasure chest.

The treasure is buried deep inside of thee,

The bounty is hidden in you and in me.

What is this treasure? Can you see?

The treasure is love, it is no mystery.

We all have inside us a ministry.

From the time of our birth, till the time of our death,

From the very first gasp, until the very last breath,

"I am with you" the Lord saith.

"With this life I am entrusting with you, My Child so new,

Something special for you to do.

I've given you a task to share at the start,

I've poured hope into each and every heart,

My promise that I will never depart."

"So I ask you to share all that life has in store,

Little things, big things, not to ignore.

Share the love that beats within your chest,

I am the keeper of your success,

You are capable of much greatness."

When the time comes that life is a mess,

Tell others you know, do not make them guess.

How do you open this treasure chest?

There is no cost, there is no fee,

The secret to the Master's key

is

L.......O.......V.......E!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Annette Monts Falls

words given early morning, August 19, 2006

Melancholy Moments

Several days have passed and I've not written here. It sometimes is strange the emotions that can overwhelm me at a given time. The last couple of days I have been contemplative, retrospective, pensive, wistful, wishful, reflective, sorrowful, remorseful, thankful, grateful, and several moments joyful, yet also tearful. When I sort it all out I will come back and try to express the fullness of jumbled words and thoughts that tumble through my being. For now I will blame it on female hormonal imbalance!

Loss of a Classmate part 2

"How could ~ why would he do that?"............................

He did not hear the inner voice telling him to hold on to the tiny thread that his pain - anger would work it's way from him with time. Only by God's grace did I hear the inner voice.........coming home confirmed it. I won't sugar coat that I nearly did the same thing, only it would have been a different means.........I had saved up meds. Turn my post pregnancy depression into post pregnancy psychosis......(three critical babies ~ four years; three job losses and out of state moves the same four ~five years)...Basically, I think he lost his mind during that particular event just prior........whatever that may have been. I've not heard what precipitated it /how it played out other than he shot himself...........his anger, his pain got the best of his rationalities and in a split moment, he pulled the trigger and it could not be replayed. I strongly believe that Jesus held him in those moments because I choose to believe that God is all forgiving and all loving. I do not believe Jerry will suffer in after life. He has completed his journey. Those of us who knew him are the ones to suffer the loss and the what ifs. It is what we take from it that will be our greater purpose that included Jerry's purpose. Compassion, love, acceptance, forgiveness....of self and others............just a few. Of course, these are Annette's perceptions; every one of us will have to wrestle with it and formulate their own perceptions. Different perceptions, different beliefs, different realities...........I am learning it is all part of our progress of living. Love you, always, Annette

Loss of a Classmate

Our class of 1977 very unexpectedly lost a classmate this past week. A suicide. A month after many of us gathered for our thirty year reunion. How does it ripple? I go out on a limb and admit that it could have been me twenty so years ago with saved up medications. Each and every one of us has moments of total weakness and loss of hope. If you haven't then you have not lived in human form. It is inescapable. Below is an email in response to one sent out collectively from a deeply rooted classmate.............the reply is just MY perspective in hopes that the strongest, most defined and far reaching ripples are encouraging ripples............................................................... Those of us who went all the way through first to twelve will always be special in our hearts........how could we not be? But all of us should feel sorrow and remember Jerry's family in thoughts and prayers. We can always second guess our actions, our words, our intentions but we don't need to feel any sense of guilt. Jerry made the decision. It is sad. It is tragic. Most of you do not know that I was very close to the same ending........not with a gun, however. Life can be extremely difficult sometimes and when it hurts to such a degree and there does not seem to be an easy solution, you just want to make it stop and go away. The action certainly brings the present pain to an ending and if we believe, God who is all loving, has given Jerry the peace and understanding that he desperately needed. Fortunately for my family and friends, God intervened and brought my family home to SC where twenty plus years later we still heal from hurts, from sorrows, from deep disappointments. We still question why and for what purpose events took place in my own circumstances. Healing is always a work in progress. It is that we pursue it that makes the difference. Each and every one of us can put on the face and convince those around us that all is well. I suppose we need to learn how to be transparent with one another and trust in unconditional love in family and friends. We need to mature and learn how to become increasingly authentic. So Keith, it hurts. It will always hurt. Especially those of us who started out so long ago, so little, and so innocent, and prayerfully, protected from grown up hurts for a while. I believe to my marrow that Jerry is great now. Help his family that you are so much more familiar with than I am, to put one foot in front of the other foot until with time it becomes more familiar to them. Think of them. Pray for them. Love them. That is the best any one of us can do at any given time. Let those in your life know you matter...........presently, or even once upon a time. I will remember Jerry's smile and his quiet, unassuming, gentle nature. It is that we will take time to remember those who make whatever journey with us that matters...................love and hugs, and great memories of all, Annette

A Poem for Fall

I get frustrated when I draft a blog because it never posts like I want it to post in form. Maybe some day I will have a better understanding of how to make things look the way I want them to look. Fonts, sizes, spaces, and breaks between defined segments I try to make work but then they don't cooperate with me as with other writing programs. Why?

The Splendors of Fall

Near the end of September when twilight hastens it's call,

Our spirits awaken to the splendors of Fall.

The days grow shorter, the nights take a chill,

The harvest is gathered, we enjoy our fill.

The summer is ending, we've had such fun,

Working and playing in the heat of the sun.

Now is the time to reflect, sit back and rest,

Remember the good times and how God has blessed.

The leaves on the trees are beginning to glow,

With oranges, reds, and yellows that God bestows.

The dance of autumn begins with these leaves,

As they swirl and twirl with grace in the breeze.

The arrival of pumpkins, colorful mums and bright faced pansies,

Beautiful reminders of seasonal things we all fancy.

The welcomed smell of wood smoke in the air,

Let us be thankful on our knees in prayer.

Thank you Lord for the change in season,

For reminding us that you are the reason,

These are gifts the universe beckons at your call,

Bestowing your presence in all the splendors of Fall.

Annette Monts Falls

words given Sunday, October 10, 2004 at 12:30 AM

Beginnings of Fall

How wonderful it is to see and feel Fall for a change.

For us here in Chapin, SC these would be typical photos. Lake Murray will have increasing beauty along the shoreline. The side roads already look much like above. All this photo needs is deer standing beside the road...............they have been on the move and unfortunately many have been seen killed on the shoulders of the roads. They really are beautiful and we have had as many as eighteen in our front yard in the evenings at one time........but, they are dangerous to drivers when they suddenly dart out of the woods in front of you.

A Day With Clay

This is a different type of post. Some are curious about the extent of Clay's care and what it involves. So regardless it is difficult to share some of this I do in the event it helps educate why it is so crucial that families find solutions to help cope with the tremendous responsibilities. A day with Clay will involve: diapering including an evening bowel regimen, (Clay is large and not capable of standing or sitting so toileting is not a workable option) gastrostomy feeding.....he has a feeding button that stays in his lower left abdomen that resembles a plug on a blow up beach ball. To this we attach a length of tubing and a large syringe which the liquid nutrition is poured into. This is done four or so times daily. He requires bed baths daily and his daddy will shower him in a special shower chair a couple of times a week. His teeth are a big issue because he does not eat so he does not get the abrasive natural cleaning of food against his tooth enamel as he chews. He has a lot of sinus drainage and a tremendous gag reflex. His teeth are misshaped and almost always coated by very hard and thick yellow plaque. It is the only thing that detracts from his incredible good looks and great, huge smile. Occasionally we have to go into Richland Hospital as outpatient to have his teeth examined and cleaned in a Dental Operating Room. This is never fun but does become necessary with time. He has to be dressed. He has a queen waterbed in his room which is totally enclosed for his safety...........Clay moves around all the time with movement he has little control over, thus the need for enclosure. We have a sling patient lift which is operable from the ceiling from over his bed through his doorway and down the short hallway to the recliner he sits in at home. He straddles the recliner sideways and puts his head on the right arm rest with his legs hanging off the left side. When he is in his recliner he is on his lap top computer communicating and having fun. He accesses it with a switch that is placed by his face and the computer screen scans and he clicks the switch with his face/head to select as we would use a mouse on a screen to move across areas. When he tires of the recliner he will normally go back to his bed or perhaps we are going out and we will put him into his power wheelchair. The photo of Clay does not show his chest straps that are normally in place to keep his shoulders back and his upper body stable. His arms are both strapped down on his arm plates. He has a lap belt and his feet are strapped. In addition he has a knee block that keeps his knees in proper position thereby keeping his trunk in proper and stable position in the chair seat. He has to be in his wheelchair to be transported at all times. We have a large van adapted with a lowered floor, a high top and a wheelchair lift to get him into and out of the van. Sometimes he likes to eat small portions of foods that do not require a lot of chewing. He often likes to drink iced tea and coke and even sometimes he will ask for coffee and he is the only one in this household that drinks it! Most nights he is awake for large portions at a time. Sometimes he is just 'chatting' and laughing and 'dreaming while awake'........other times that we find difficult are when he is having muscle spasms and / or is physically sick, most often with sinus related things that make the gag response super sensitive and often occur continually during the night. Clay handles all these things better than you could imagine. He handles these things much better than his family that takes care of him. His mental ~ intellectual state is normal for his instructional time and life experience. He verbalizes some things, but not nearly able to verbalize as we wish. He relies on his computer much of the time to really express himself to others. We have learned a lot of what he is saying or trying to say verbally, as well as his expressions. More often than not, Clay has a huge smile on his face and he is extremely happy to be who he is. Maybe once a month or so, he will have a true 'melt-down' that will involve tremendous sobbing. It runs it's course and then more times than not, he is over it. Think about not being able to vent your frustrations except in this manner! We try really hard not to become frustrated with him when these moments occur. So that is a day with Clay. If anyone has questions please feel free to ask them. We are trying to find resolutions for individuals like Clay who require so much total care. Services that would provide outside interactions with his peers and solutions to address respite concerns. In August Fred and I celebrated our 28 anniversary and got away for two nights. It had been over five years since we had been alone without Clay for a night (a few individual time outs with work or friends, but not away or even here as just Fred and Annette). Finding solutions to care beyond several hours at a time is very difficult and takes a toll upon his parents' freedoms to get away and renew their couple time. Often if you see us we are indeed a threesome. Not always a hindrance..........just sometimes you need to be a couple without your child; especially one who is twenty-two and requires constant care. I hope I expressed this as I want it expressed. Perhaps the better term would be as I hope it is received. I do not want our family to be pitied in any way, however empathy is always accepted. We do ask that those who read this posting will lift some extra prayer intercessions on our behalf. He is calling me from his room.............guess I need to see what he needs........;)

Clay's Witness ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Written a few days before Easter Sunday, March 31, 2002 for those who requested to know some of Clay's witness........

Clay was born May 19, 1985 in Boulder, Colorado. He was 36 weeks and weighed 6 pounds and 15 ounces. Mom and Clay were in extreme danger to impending uterine rupture and taken for Mom's third emergency C-section. For some reason, immediately after birth, Clay's lung ruptured. This set up a horrific chain of reactions that would take his life from him, time and time again, yet God had other plans and always sent him back to Mom and Dad and those of you who have been blessed to meet Clay on this earth's journey. Clay was the third son born to Fred and Annette in four years; firstborn May 21, 1981, a son Taylor born too prematurely, bore witness with a tiny footprint and lived a short number of hours in Tulsa, Oklahoma before blossoming wings and taking flight to dance with moonbeams and stars. (God nudged us to bury him in Chapin, SC which we did, and we had no idea that we would be home to stay in summer 1986. Brandon, born March 7, 1982, by a C-section only 9.5 months after Taylor, spent his first month in the same NICU in Tulsa, then make incredible strides within three months and has never stopped growing since..........now 20 and 6'3". He weighed 5lbs 15 oz at birth. Then came Clay..........

Clay was transferred with much difficulty by ambulance to Denver Childrens Hospital hours after he was born. It is a miracle he survived the transport teams arrival to Boulder, much more that he lived during transport. He was extremely critical and not at all expected to survive. (Transport by helicopter would have been nearly immediate, but he would not have survived the vibration of flight...........however, they did fly a neonatologist to Boulder to assist in his care by ambulance. Mom first traveled to Denver on hospital pass on that Tuesday morning, May 21. It was about 36 hours after delivery and the four year anniversary of Taylor. I pleaded with Clay to live for his mama, his daddy, and his big brother Brandon. Somehow Clay clung to life by a very tiny, extremely fragile thread. At five days, Clay was scheduled for lung surgery, but before the appointed time of surgery, he died in front of his mama. I had just expressed my breast milk for him and was giving it to the nurse when this happened before my eyes. He had 7 chest tubes in his newborn body, and it took six or more nurses and doctors to rush him and all the accompanying life supports into surgery. We were told the surgeon actually opened him in the elevator making the incision across his shoulder blade even before making it into the operating room. I was alone as Fred and Brandon had gone to Denver airport to pick up Mom Falls who had flown in from Rock Hill to help with Brandon and give us support. I can vividly remember the on my knees moment with God, not knowing if I should let Clay go be with Taylor or beg him to stay with us. I told God I would accept His decision. These were among the first Clay moments that he should never have revived; God had other plans. The medical staff told us time after time that we would be losing Clay before a certain time would pass. After 4 months in Denver, Clay was transferred back to Boulder Community Hospital. He began to nurse, even after all that time on a vent, and Fred lost his job. On the day Clay came home, Fred was in Oklahoma City, on a job interview and I brought Clay home by myself because at least it was something special to celebrate in the event the job fell through. Hours after getting him home and just as Fred was coming in from OKC, we rushed Clay back to Boulder Community. He was having seizures. Why? On the card with the meds listed, he was taking Lasix and was supposed to receive .5 cc. The decimal point was nondescript and not next to the 5............Mom gave him 5 cc. This high dose of Lasix caused his other medication levels to soar out of control. Another ambulance ride, full code, back to Denver. At some point, Fred and I got ahead of the ambulance in downtown Denver, morning rush hour, and no one would pull over for the ambulance we knew was carrying our child. It was a moment of total desperation!!!

Again, God had other plans for Clay and our family. Would you believe a pediatric neurologist told mom by phone after this incident that her baby was blind and mentally deprived? Those of you who know Clay will rejoice with us that this anguish was relatively short lived!

Shortly after Clay was released from this second Denver hospitalization, Fred was offered the job in OKC. We packed up with 2 cats, Brandon and Clay with a feeding tube and oxygen, in our little Subaru wagon and headed southeast. Within 24 hours of our arrival, Clay was in a new hospital setting with new doctors and very stressed out parents. Only by God's grace did this family survive Oklahoma City those 9 months we were there. Mom was extremely depressed, and most easily could be the Andrea Yates of the past year. This is not something I enjoy sharing; yet it is the truth. I was very suicidal and yes, I did think of doing my boys in and myself. God would not allow me to hurt Fred and our families that way, and it is with gratitude and praise to Him, that I can write about all of this today. Much of that time has now become a blur, but I do remember praying so desperately that God end my suffering and Clay's suffering and allow me to find him dead in his crib. Our daily lives revolved 24 hours every day around Clay and the medical issues that came with him. After about 8 months, Fred again was jobless. The oil industry had a horrific time in the 80's as many of you may remember. Never was it an issue of Fred's work ethic or abilities; it was timing in the life of my geologist.

The summer of 1986, shortly after Clay's first birthday, we came home to SC for good. Our parents paid our expenses to bring us home and get us on our feet as best they could. It was almost 5 years exactly since the date of Taylor's funeral and burial at the church I was raised in. We have attended this church since our return, and one of Clay's most profound moments of faith came at St Thomas Lutheran. During a class with our pastor and teens ready for confirmation, the topic was 'when you cross over into Heaven, which of these pictures most matches who/what you expect to see?" Most of us picked the first picture of Jesus; the peaceful, handsome welcoming (the one that is so commonly depicted and I tend to refer to as the generic representation of Jesus). Not Clay. On a poster with about 8 different pictures, he went to the last one before agreeing to complete the assignment. Mom just figured he was not interested in the assignment............was I wrong! When this particular picture was pointed to, Clay could have burst out of the straps holding him safe in his wheelchair; he was that enthusiastic and excited! The picture?

Jesus with the children gathered all around!

It took a little while before it all came together. Clay's faith is deeper than most of us. When he saw the picture of Jesus with the children, he remembered being there as one of those children held by Jesus. No doubt in his mind, nor in mine; Jesus held Clay many times when his spirit would briefly leave his broken body before being returned to it to live out Clay's purpose. Although it may be difficult for Clay to relay this to us in a concrete manner, it is always with Clay. Those of you who know him well, attest to me frequently that Clay radiates in a way that is so very different from other children. Jesus is such a part of Clay.

This story becomes more important this Easter as we remember how Jesus died so that we could all be saved and experie total joy with Christ our Father. Almost two years ago, Clay's very special and probably closest friend, Michelle died unexpectedly. Michelle had Spina Bifida and they were classmates. They loved each other unconditionally. Michelle could understand what Clay wanted to say, and she gave him her hands when he could not make his do what they were supposed to do. When they were together, if they were not able to touch skin to skin, they at least had to have their wheelchairs touching somewhere. Each was devoted to the other. Before Michelle died, Clay had given her a butterfly ring that we found on a trip to St Simons Island, Georgia. He and I wheeled all the shops before he finally let me know the perfect gift had been spotted. Michelle always wore her ring proudly. When she died unexpectedly of complications from a 'routine' trip to the hospital, her mother told me that she would be wearing the ring. When it came time to tell Clay about Michelle, I did not know how, or when, or even what to say. I do not remember much about telling him except that when I did, Clay radiated a huge smile and his eyes lit up brightly. He was so happy for Michelle! He was not sad for himself! He knew that Michelle was free of her wheelchair and whole again, talking and playing with Jesus, and chasing butterflies in Heaven! My child, the enlightened one, knew so well how happy Michelle was. At her visitation he looked at her, without a tear and we talked about her butterfly ring on her finger. We gave her a 'goodbye' card with Clay's picture in it. Before they closed the casket the final time, they placed the card and picture in her other hand, alongside the hand with the butterfly ring. Of all the people who came to visitation and the funeral, Clay smiled the entire time. (I must admit, I felt embarrassed by this, UNTIL I realized that of all those there, Clay knew more than the rest of us) This is not to say that he has not mourned Michelle, especially when school started and her presence was desperately missed in that environment. At her funeral, we released 3 dozen yellow balloons; Michelle's favorite color. We had to cut the ribbons with scissors because they had so entangled in the wind. The special needs kids clustered up beside me. When they ascended, they rose like yellow, spinning daisies in clusters tied in six. This too was an unexpected tribute.........Michelle loved daisies!

Clay has progressed most significantly in the months that have passed after Michelle. Often in the middle of the night he gets the uncontrolled giggles and is talking some sort of language to someone we cannot see. He tells me that Michelle visits him, they laugh, and she encourages him to do better with his hands, his speech, and everything else involving his abilities. With all the progress he has made, this last year or more, should I doubt that the connection still exists? NEVER!

I know that this has been long but someone had asked me to share bits and pieces of how we have reached this leg of our destination. There is much more that I could and probably should share at some point in the future. This season of new birth seemed an appropriate time. It is never to late to be born again, Clay is a true testimony of that. Even when before he was born, we had already named him Clay. Little did we know the significance. It means: MOLDED BY THE HANDS OF GOD! How could we have known what the Potter had in store for Clay and all of us who know and love him. None of us will ever be the same.

In The Potter's Hands

2-4-2005

In The Potter's Hands

Perhaps the Excedrin headache medicine I took woke me up rather than helping me fall asleep.........caffeine! Headache is gone but I am wide awake at now 1:30 AM. Words and thoughts started to spin in my mind as I imagine a lump, shapeless mound of clay spinning on a potter's wheel. I suppose we will find out together how it takes shape as so many other times. I often marvel that God gave me a son who was instinctively named Clay. It just always seemed the right name even before we knew for certain that a third baby boy would enter our world. Another odd coincidence is that Fred's maternal grandfather was also named Clayton........he died when Fred's mom was only a very small child. This was not a conscientious decision, but again, God must have had His hands upon the spinning wheel. When Clay came, I was the one in immediate danger.........being the third baby I wanted this one to be especially healthy as most of you know the history of Taylor and Brandon. I was at 36 weeks and Clay was a large baby. At birth he was 6 pounds and 15 ounces........a month early! Unfortunately, because I had tried my best to have a big, healthy baby, my uterus was ready to literally explode. On the day of Clay's birth, I awoke to terrible pains but kept them well hidden as I did not want to give up this baby to delivery any time before due date. However, God took care of me in an amazing way. He made me think something was wrong with Clay. Usually, very actively kicking, he quit moving inside of me for a long period of time regardless my efforts to prompt him to stir. I became desperately afraid that something was wrong with him and told Fred we needed to go to the hospital, that I could not make Clay move. Upon arriving about ten minutes later at Boulder Community Hospital in Boulder, Colorado, Clay began to kick as soon as we pulled into a parking space. We wanted to be sure he was okay so we went straight to labor and delivery. The monitors were strapped on and everything seemed fine.......good kicks, good fetal heart rate. However, upon my physical exam I could no longer hide the immense pain I was experiencing. Despite my fears about another 36 week delivery, my doctors rushed me into my third emergency C-section as they feared I was beginning to rupture. Moments later they confirmed that indeed had we not come in when we did, I would have likely ruptured and Fred would very possibly have lost both mother and baby during the process. For this delivery, Fred was finally able to be with me, holding my hand, sitting beside my face and comforting me with excitement and nervous anticipation. The spinal went well for a change and they had told us not to worry about the baby because he was big and should be very healthy. However, most of you know there was much more to the story. For some unexpected, unexplainable reason, Clay's lung tore after birth. This began a huge series of events that would be catastrophic to us all. Long story short, he was transported with much difficulty by a skilled neonatal transport team from and to Denver Children's Hospital. He was not expected to survive. Many times he would 'die' and be resuscitated, but all these cumulative episodes of inadequate oxygen took a toll on Clay's physical body. This is the reason Clay has Cerebral Palsy; so many different insults to his brain. We are very blessed and very lucky that these insufficiencies did not cause mental retardation.........it has only affected his motor skills and not his mentality nor intellectual status. While he is severely limited, Clay is an extremely jubilant spirit when he is well. Even this week with the flu and 103 temps, he can still rally a big full faced grin. Such is this incredible child of God. It took years for me to realize the significance of Clay in our family and in everyone's lives. Up until about age six, he viewed me as a pain inflictor........I had to do so many 'nursing' type duties to try to keep him well. He did not trust me, let alone call me mama. It took years! On a cross stitch I did for him of Heaven's Special Child with his birth info, it is signed, charted and stitched by Annette. Strange now, but instrumental in how far we have come. I was thinking earlier about how God had brought us home to SC after so much heartbreak and devastation over a five year time frame away from our families. At the time we were coming physically home; however now I know He brought us 'spiritually' home as well and maybe much more importantly. God has healed deep wounds during our almost nineteen years back in SC. Was it coincidence that we buried Taylor in the St Thomas Lutheran Cemetery in June, 1981? We never imagined we could come back here to live with Fred being a geologist, even after three significant job layoffs while we were out 'west'. After so many out of state moves, it amazes me that we have been 'put' for nearly nineteen years in one state and more than ten years at this address! God is so good! It has been during these years, especially the last few, that we are beginning to understand the significance of truly being in the Potter's hands. Not just Clay, but all of us including you and your families and friends. He is continuing to mold all of us to His specifications in a land of clay soil even. Several friends and spiritual advisors have all mentioned that there is a deep feeling that this very community is going to be a great revival area in the coming months and years. I realized a little while ago the connection we have to a clay land...........we should all be willing to let the Lord shape us as He wills. The clay soil is deep inside of us who have grown up in this community. I think what God has asked me to write about is that we all need reminders that He is the ultimate, expert potter. Even though the spinning wheel seems to falter and go out of control sometimes, even often!, He is still the one at the wheel, forming and shaping each and everyone of us until He is satisfied with what we have become. I realize we are never completely finished but that we should aspire to become vessels of beauty and glory to Him. We all have cracks! Some of us are even flawed with very big, noticeable imperfections. Still, God sees us as His masterpieces, shaped and molded just as He decides most appropriate to fulfill our covenants with Him. It is not always pretty to be spinning out of control on the potter's wheel. However, if we just allow ourselves to stay 'stuck' He will finish His work in all of us. Some of us need more refining and finishing, and some of us are almost ready to begin the polishing....Clay! I am grateful to be in His hands! I hope I do not easily discourage when He slings more mud upon me, but anticipate fully the new shape and beautiful vessel that He is forming in me. Much love and many hugs, Annette Though we are only bits of clay, when we reverence who he is versus who we are, he can remold us into vessels full of his power. 2 Corinthians, 4:7 Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64: 8 Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand. Jeremiah 18:6

My Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father, it is me again. Please help our physically challenged young adults. They need services that are not currently provided. We have not known the great numbers of severely challenged young adults before now. Medical technology has saved so many approaching young adulthood, but they have suffered severe complications and consequences physically and / or mentally. Lord, these precious individuals do not belong in geriatric settings for provision of supervised, skilled care. We need our own facilities appropriate for this age group to provide day services, respite, and group residential placements geared to these specific needs with technology and hope filled atmosphere to achieve goals. They need and desire independence from parents who are burning out from continuum of care inside our homes. Father God, please help me be the vessel you are calling me to be to bring this awareness to the public eye. Help me be the vessel that does not give up asking, seeking and knocking for I know you will answer. Please place the people on my path for change and resolution. We need resources that include financial, physical, material and spiritual backing. Dear Lord, help me to not give up on a vision of my son living with friends his age in an appropriate high tech environment. They want this; they need this. Help me to always bring Glory and praise to you in my efforts and successes; even my failures. Pick me up when I fall and remind me to try again. I believe with all my heart that this is what you are calling me to do. I am just one, but with you all things become possible. Thank you for all those who will intercede on our behalf in Jesus name. Amen

My Broken Vessel

My Broken Vessel

Our baby boy, so sweet

we were waiting to meet.

A brother eager to play,

with a new bundle named Clay.

When on a Sunday afternoon,

it suddenly seemed much too soon.

The baby quickly ripped away,

an emergency is what they say.

I cried to God, prayed to him with much fear,

please, Lord, this baby is so very dear.

Mother and child, both seemed in danger,

could we remember, the love found in the manger?

It all happened so fast,

yet the mold had long ago been cast.

Time to finish the knitting in my womb,

this new life assured from an empty tomb.

When your lung tore open wide,

they said that you could not survive.

Even before the physical touch of our love,

your breath, freed from confinement

was wrought with excruciating pain.

You were cradled by the wings of a dove,

took flight to be with angels above.

He carried you securely through tears

that fell like rain,

The will to live, to all of us, God above did give.

You are a child of God, molded by the Potter's hands. A miracle you are, our angel sent from up above, to teach us His unconditional love.

Your body still is broken and bent,

yet there is good reason that you were sent.

A shattered vessel perhaps to some,

yet you are the Potter's perfect one.

You have shown us all so much,

by always resisting Satan's clutch.

Even when the chips seem down,

your face never wears the hint of a frown.

You have waited so long, to God you MOST belong,

mount up your wings and fly, keep us all aiming high.

You have taught us how to trust,

even ashes to dust.

Let your light so brightly shine,

you are God's gift of mine.

You have already traveled a very long and dusty road,

and we have tried to feel the burden of your heavy load.

Yet always in that incredible smile we can see,

that life forever has been granted to you and to me.

Those trips when Heaven called you back, and held you,

oh so close,

it is Jesus you always managed to show us, that you

remember most.

So many times you would briefly leave to make a visit there,

it was Christ who kissed your head so soft,

so blonde and so fair.

In your brightly shining eyes, it is Jesus we can see;

so lovely and so pure.

These are the things, we are all so certain,

we can be wonderfully sure.

Jesus with the children, all looking upon His welcoming,

most radiant face,

Cradled you against His chest, warming you in splendid

and peaceful embrace.

He lives forever in your heart, in that most special place,

the glow of your spirit is our constant reminder of

His grace.

The love you give away to those who cross your path,

can help prevent the deep, dark fall into the

Devil's wrath.

It is you, our special angel sent from up above,

you are the reason we can feel so much of His love.

You have lived in God's most beautiful space,

it is written well all over your face;

the Devil in you simply can't find trace,

you are so strongly held in place,

within the loving arms of such amazing grace.

You are a child of God, molded by the Potter's hands. A miracle you are, our angel sent from up above, to teach us His unconditional love.

You have waited on our Lord,

with quiet dignity and endless faith,

In His arms you have shown to us,

we are all kept warm and safe.

As our future continues to unfold,

God will forever steady the mold,

A beautiful vessel made out of clay,

before we ever met you that first day.

He refines you more each and every way,

even in the ways that you have learned to play.

Our lives ahead look bright,

shining in God's pure light.

More miracles will truly come,

proof that we have a Holy home.

No more broken we will be,

we will all be perfect, in God's majesty.

Turn around all words of doubt,

non believers someday to Him, will shout!

Thank you for the love you have shown,

You have given us the greatest joy ever known!

We are all children of God, molded by the Potter's mighty hands. Keep sending angels from above, to teach us how to love. Show us how to care, teach us how to share, and help us all be vessels of your unconditional love.

Help us find in broken vessels,

more miracles sent from above,

Help us find in broken vessels,

the truth of Heaven and Eternal Love!

Clay Falls, you are a child of God, molded by the Potter's hands. You are a miracle of love, our very own angel mended and sent from up above. You have given us so very much: the capacity to give and to receive His unconditional love and such.

Written about my third special angel,

Clayton Alexander Falls, Sunday, May 19, 1985 in Boulder, Colorado

Taylor Monts Falls, Thursday, May 21, 1981 in Tulsa, Oklahoma;

bore witness with a tiny footprint before blossoming wings to stay a true angel above

Brandon Montgomery Falls, Sunday, March 7, 1982 in Tulsa, Oklahoma;

another angel who managed to stay earthbound, strong in faith and love

Written with much love, hugs, and more, I am proud to be your mom.

Annette Monts Falls

August 2, 2002

Girls In My Circle

from a beautiful girl in my circle........I do not know the origin, but it speaks wisdom.........

GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend, And then I started to become a woman. And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up, God would show you the best in many friends. One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man. Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom. Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities. Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be. One friend will say, "Let's cry together," Another, "Let's fight together," Another, "Let's walk away together." One friend will meet your spiritual need, Another, your shoe fetish, Another, your love for movies, Another will be with you in your season of confusion, Another will be your clarifier, Another, the wind beneath your wings. But whatever their assignment in your life, On whatever the occasion, On whatever the day, Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back, Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself .. Those are your best friends. It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it's wrapped up in several.. A couple from high school, A couple from old jobs, A few you've met as adults, On some days your mother, On some days your neighbor, On others, your sisters, And on some days, your daughters. So whether they've been your friend for 20 minutes or 20 years, AND ONLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO, Pass this on to the women that have been placed in your life To make a difference. Thanks for being one of those women!

Destinations of Footprints

Wow, how do I begin to write and explain my evening blessings? In the last couple of months I have been very privileged to reconnect with friends from my school years. Tonight was dinner out locally with two great cheerleaders! They are my cheerleaders and for that I am so grateful. We shared so many things in four hours that seemed to pass so swiftly we realize the need to share more frequently........in whatever manner lives allow us. In our quickly shifting and often very serious conversations, the subject of my little feet came up. I always laugh about my feet because really I only have one and a half feet............nine inches each which is six inches shy of two feet! Maybe that is why I am the way I am?!!! A resident of Lowman Home where my parents now reside, kidded me and still does that my feet were stunted because they had to 'thrive' in the shade of a large bosom.............now how do I keep my balance? Okay, back to serious things...............on the way home I realized that with the help of my friends the cheerleaders, that although they are very little footprints, I have left numerous and well defined footsteps from my journeys. My feet have carried me through many rough and often treacherous travels from one point to another point. Some of them connected and some of them separate from each other. But they are footprints with meanings. They are footprints that tell stories. They are footprints that appear all alone, and some that mingle with other different sized and shaped footprints. When I lost Taylor, our firstborn son, all I had to prove he was real was the tiny footprint from his birth. I never got to see his tiny feet....I loved feeling them kick and experiencing the miracle of life truly inside of me........when I saw him he was wrapped in a soft yellow printed baby blanket and although I was curious, Fred asked me not to unwrap him because he needed to remember him warm and wrapped and 'sleeping' peacefully in his mother's hungering arms. Oh, he was so sweet and so beautiful and so tiny.............and he came from our love. After a short time the nurse came back into my room and off they went. It was the only time we got to look like family from the outside. It was the only time Fred and I spent together with our baby boy. I know this is getting sad and that is not what I intend. The middle chapter of this book is that I had Taylor's tiny footprint. It was proof. I still have it. When we experienced this loss a friend shared with me the Footprints story of walking in the sand and only seeing one set of footprints............why God did you leave me to walk alone? And God answers............Those are my footprints...........I was carrying you. I did the walking and you were not alone. How many times did I, have I turned to these beautifully expressed words that are now so commonly read, displayed in different forms in different places? Countless times!!! Tonight helped me comprehend more fully, more intensely, that our footprints always matter. They may seem insignificant and lost sometimes (perhaps often?) And sometimes, like tonight, footprints cross over and join in with other, different footprints. One set no more significant than another set. While different, they are extremely alike. And when the footprints join that means we are blessed to be walking the same road for that moment. We have company physically walking alongside us. The walk goes faster. The walk seems easier. One step in front of the other; one step beside another. Encouraging, laughing, crying, sharing. And we confirm in one another that indeed when we feel we are the only one making the journey, God is there with us at all times.........we just need reminding that He can and does carry us when we feel abandoned and lost. And when we come to a juncture and meet other footprints, we take note and allow rest and healing for the lonely footprints. Spirits lift, smiles appear, laughter begins, and time stands still. I love it when God blesses our footprints. I am glad each one bears complete individuality, but I especially love it when they mingle so closely together that one set is just like another set and you can't tell one set from the other because they are so closely woven together. God is leaving His footprints right there with us. I thank Him for the footprints you leave on my heart when our destinations merge. Tonight, I thank Him for the footprints of my cheerleaders.........may we share many more sojourns in future moments.